lots of teeth, nothing to bite

I was a bit unsure of how to approach these Psychology courses this semester

As a science major, our coursework is saturated with concrete science classes where it goes, “this is the material, memorize it, then apply that information in graduate school”. Don’t get me wrong, I found immense satisfaction through my course work and having a knowledge base with which I can apply to further study is something I am thankful for.

This semester I’m taking two Psychology courses (Abnormal Psych and Sport&Exercise Psych). Psychology classes are different. They offer an opportunity for introspection and analysis of personal development. They provide a framework through which to view the growth of self. I really, really like it. The only other place I’ve been able to have these kind of personal growth discussions are through the RA position. I think I’ll learn some really great things this semester.

Guilt is an incredibly overwhelming feeling

Even when it comes to things I know people have never explicitly blamed me for. In fact, it is especially and exactly those things. Because those are the worst. If no blame is ever directly placed in the first place, then there is nothing to ever forgive so to end the feeling of guilt. They would never blame me for something so outside of control. But now the problem becomes how to make the feeling of guilt go away when there is no one to forgive it. The guilt becomes malignant. 

I’ve realized that I’m an observer.

After some introspection over the past few weeks, I’ve come to the conclusion that I am an observer. I watch and listen. I feel and interpret. I think more than I say. I’ve seen myself in a multitude of different social environments and interactions; I’ve been the observer in all of them. I’ve chosen to take the outsider position and take in what was going on rather than be at the heart of it. 

And I think that it’s great. I don’t think I’ll ever be the voice that leads the storm. It’s not how I’m built. I am the one who after the chaos describes the spectrum of happenings.