lots of teeth, nothing to bite

Took out my old skateboard for a spin today

It was wonderful. It’s been years since I’ve street skated so I was a bit rusty at first. I was able to get nollie pop shuv its, bs/fs 180s, and heelflips. It’s remarkable how focused I get when trying to land something. My mind focuses exclusively on skating and nothing else. All I can hear is pop, catch, land. My heart rate starts to raise and some sweat starts forming. I do more and more until finally I get tired and sit down.

And then my absolute favorite part - coming down from the high of skating. After everything was so loud and focused, sitting and listening to how quiet and soft the world is. Looking at the sun lit trees and clouds as my heart slows. Not having any thoughts. Just being.

I was a bit unsure of how to approach these Psychology courses this semester

As a science major, our coursework is saturated with concrete science classes where it goes, “this is the material, memorize it, then apply that information in graduate school”. Don’t get me wrong, I found immense satisfaction through my course work and having a knowledge base with which I can apply to further study is something I am thankful for.

This semester I’m taking two Psychology courses (Abnormal Psych and Sport&Exercise Psych). Psychology classes are different. They offer an opportunity for introspection and analysis of personal development. They provide a framework through which to view the growth of self. I really, really like it. The only other place I’ve been able to have these kind of personal growth discussions are through the RA position. I think I’ll learn some really great things this semester.

Guilt is an incredibly overwhelming feeling

Even when it comes to things I know people have never explicitly blamed me for. In fact, it is especially and exactly those things. Because those are the worst. If no blame is ever directly placed in the first place, then there is nothing to ever forgive so to end the feeling of guilt. They would never blame me for something so outside of control. But now the problem becomes how to make the feeling of guilt go away when there is no one to forgive it. The guilt becomes malignant. 

I’ve realized that I’m an observer.

After some introspection over the past few weeks, I’ve come to the conclusion that I am an observer. I watch and listen. I feel and interpret. I think more than I say. I’ve seen myself in a multitude of different social environments and interactions; I’ve been the observer in all of them. I’ve chosen to take the outsider position and take in what was going on rather than be at the heart of it. 

And I think that it’s great. I don’t think I’ll ever be the voice that leads the storm. It’s not how I’m built. I am the one who after the chaos describes the spectrum of happenings.

I like to experience my emotions as how “powerful” they are rather than “good” or “bad”.

It’s all about how much something can make me feel. An experience that is agonizingly sorrowful is equally enjoyable to me as one that is euphoric. 

Just got back from a three day road trip to DC

It was so fucking cool and awesome and fun and relaxing and interesting and scientific and eye opening

Pictures will be posted soon

AND WHEN I GOT BACK I CHECKED MY EMAIL AND NOT ONLY DID I GET A 91 ON MY PATHOLOGY MIDTERM I GOT THE RA POSITION I APPLIED FOR

YESYESYESYESYESYES

life is good

You know, people always say that women have it hard because they have to deal with pregnancy

But women have it hard for so many more reason. In studying Pathology this semester it seems like EVERY disease we’ve talked about so far has been more common in women.

I’ve gotta hand it to you ladies. Life is hard.

I just got so overwhelmed by how much information there is

By how much knowledge there is out there and by how much we will never know. By how much I could potentially know and simply never will. By how much I don’t want to know. 

By how much we don’t understand, and could never understand, about the behavior of other animals and insects and bacteria and virus and atoms and the cosmos.

By how much of all of those things is such a mystery, and will indefinitely remain a mystery, even though we like to pretend we make “revolutionary breakthroughs” using our “state of the art technology”.

Lets be real for a second. The technological revolution started 50 years ago.

We don’t know a damn thing.

I got a green bamboo notebook for Christmas

and I just recently opened it up and started writing in it whenever I had some down time. I’ve been trying to write in it everyday and so far it’s been working great. I’ve gone about two weeks now and the pages are filling up. 

It feels nice to be consistently writing again. I’m experiencing less and less writers block - the words are flowing so easily now.

I love when everything just seems to go right

Having an optimistic attitude does wonders

• I’m doing great in my courses. I’m learning so many things that will help me later in life.
• My girlfriend and my brother both just ordered incredible longboards. Tan Tien and Vendetta. Aka I get to ride them all the time as well as watch them progress now that they have versatile boards.
• Spring time is almost here and recent weather has been so beautiful.
• I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m applying to grad school next semester. Everything I’ve done up to this point has all been for this moment. All I need to do is finish this semester strong and I’ll be right on track.

So much has been created in the past few months and I have never been happier. I see beauty in everything.

I have my RA interview from 2PM-3PM today and I’m just going to remember two things

1. Smile a lot
2. Make eye contact when I speak

I feel like those are two things that people often forget to do when talking to people, especially during important interviews. If I do them, I’m sure everything will go great.

Hip Hop is slowly invading my mind again

After recording a few songs again I can feel the addiction taking hold of me again. Pretty soon I’m going to be sitting in my dark room late at night staring at a computer screen writing lyrics with my head bobbing, my roommate asleep for hours.

I found a nice little nook in my student union building today and read for 3 hours

It was so nice sitting there with my coffee drink on a soft couch. I was just relaxing and it was wonderful being that invested in text. 

Not to mention, people watching for hours is loads of fun.

Recording studio tomorrow

I haven’t made a song in forever I’m excited :o

I always feel a little awkward when my grandma takes my brother and I out to eat

It’s kind of hard to keep conversation going with grand parents. Especially with mine since she’s hardcore Polish and isn’t really up to date with things going on today so anything said is restricted to one of the following things

• the food 
• school
• segue between school and food

oh well. I love her and her old-awkwardness